Game 1: Spring 1901

So, I am involved in this online game of Diplomacy, where I am Russia. I don’t much fancy being Russsia, but it is an easier nut to crack than Italy. The match just started, and the Spring 1901 orders have just been processed. Prior to issuing the orders, I made it a point to communicate with Turkey, Austria, and Germany with the explicit purpose of avoiding out-of-the-box hostilities.

Cause, you know, the Monkey is a talker.

Besides, drawing swords with the opening orders is never a good idea. It usually results in all involved being bloodied and the eventual survivor(s) being succeptible to assault from beyond.

Anyway, I send my messages stating my desire to keep things at a low simmer to all three. Germany not only agrees to my idea of keeping Sil and Pru open territories, but also begins discussion on the partitioning of Scandinavia, along with developing preliminary strategies with an eye toward future dealings with the British. The idea, is that he gets Swe, I take Nwy, and we use control of the north as a wedge to tip the Brits.

Turkey is a whole different set of kebabs. Our opening talks were quite cordial, with agreements on the obvious mutual advantage of keeping Arm open. We butted heads slightly over Bla, but for the most part recognized that open borders makes good neighbors. We have nothing approaching any sort of alliance – but at least an uneasy understanding. As a people, Turks may be boorish, ignorant, and malodorous, but they aren’t stupid.

The Austrians were different (as Austrians are wont to be). In our initial conversations, I implored Austria to keep Gal unfortified, but he was intransigent, insisting that moving his army from Vie was a necessary defensive move. My promises of goodwill notwithstanding. I reply that such a move could only be considered aggressive, as Gal threatens War and (indirectly) Mos and Sev, but the inbred-Habsburg doofus is playing the immovable object, requiring me to be an irresistible force.

Needless to say, the Austrian thing has me miffed. I contact Italy and Turkey to see if they’ve had similar discussions with this joker, asking specifically if he’s been throwing ultimatums around to everyone? I also proceed to open the idea that Turkey, Italy and I form a loose association to contain this rogue. The response from Italy is very positive … despite their obvious racial handicap, they can see that Austria is a problem. Turkey, however, is equivocal. The infidel tries to retain the inscrutability of the orient, but I read him like a cheap book: this two-bit thug is hooked in with the Austrian swine.

The Spring 1902 orders are submitted and processed, and the depth of the Turko-Austrian deceit is clear. Not only does Austria move Vie – Gal, but also Tri – Ven, striking directly at the Italians! Turkey, not to be out-done, moves Ank – Bla and, scumbag that he is, Smy – Arm. Ho ho! Keep Armenia open, eh, Johhny Turk?

And, to add insult, immediately after the orders are processed, Austria contacts me demanding that I cede Rum to him! The depth of arrogance in this swaggering tin-plated pretzel eater is astounding.

My choice is clear. I must declare complete and open war against the low-life scum of Austria and Turkey. Italy and I will work together to avenge this open savagery, and extract ransom in the form of freshly roasted Turkey, served with Austrian Ale.

I’ll see you in Hell, you filthy bastards!

Ook ook.